(16) PeeDee and the brain: am I my own enemy?

What is realistic?

As you know, dear reader, I have been struggling with the notion of the following: what is fake in the context of being parkinsed? Is it an alter ego, my nervous system and brain as well as the presence of high-jackers as described in an earlier post? These perceptions are depressing when considering both the recorded and the experienced issues surrounding Parkinson's Disease (PD) and the impact of medication. In this post I have decided in favour of pondering on my anguish against the backdrop of recent relief and I hope this lasts. That is, the 'pondering' and not the 'anguish'. So, let's ponder - but first, a detour... 

[The] Pinky and The Brain!

Those of you who were watching television in the mid-nineties might remember an animated series that involved adult-like adventures. Sometimes they interacted with famous people, like former president Bill Clinton. Ostensibly a children's programme, "[The] Pinky and The Brain" was about two rodent-like creatures. Described as "laboratory mice" in the theme song, [The] Brain (the shorter character on the right of the picture below), supposedly the cleverer of the two, uses [The] Pinky (the taller character on the left) as a foil for his fantasies. However, while [The] Pinky appears to be the fool, [The] Brain is never actually able to execute his ingenious plans to take over the world. It is possible that [The] Pinky was created as court jester to provide a sounding board for [The] Brain's frivolous fantasies, thereby giving him some credence. 

While [The] Pinky appears to be the subservient, bumbling fool and [The] Brain appears to be deep, Brain is never able to execute his devious yet ingenious plans to take over the world. So, who is fooling whom? Is one of them 'fake' or was it pure edutainment?

My wife and I loved watching this programme with our children.  So, if you have ever pondered a ponderable, for instance, what do the actual persons doing [The] Pinky and [The] Brain voice-overs look like, go to this interview with actors Rob Paulsen and Maurice Lamarche. Also, if you are curious about my pre-occupation with the use of 'ponder', then do check out this short compilation of excerpts of the best of "Are you pondering what I am pondering..." in [The] Pinky and The Brain. 

PeeDee and my brain

In previous posts I have outlined my assumptions regarding PD and how it has 'highjacked' my body. I also referred to PD as an 'intruder' and how I have had to fight in order to counter the highjacking. Well, let's assume PD is represented by the character Brain, while my resistance and fightback is represented as Pinky. The more PD (that is, a Brain) tries to convince me that I am on a downward spiral, the more I resist and present a conscious fightback so that my muscle memory (driven by a Pinky) responds appropriately. 

The Pinky in me appears to be benefiting from the laser therapy while the Brain is mounting constant attempts to take over my world. Like Pinky, I often appear to be overcome by the intruder, Brain - represented by the intensity of my tremors and my increasingly awkward gait - but my not being on PD medication allows me to resist more deliberately and more often. Good stuff, Pinky. Narf!   

So, am I responding to my new, "normal" alter ego represented by my PD, and a manifestation of my new muscle memory: a Pinky approach! Or, is it "fake" and merely a series of new muscle responses reacting to mood swings and making a grand entrance at appropriate times: a Brain approach? Whatever the case is, here are some facts:

• I was diagnosed with PD in 2013;
• I opted to avoid all chronic PD-related medication;
• The tremors have become progressively and noticeably worse since 2016; 
• Physically I am unfit, overweight and unable to make certain reflex movements;
• I started laser therapy in May, 2020 - four months ago;
• Laser therapy has woken up the mental part of me that has been dormant since 2017; 
• Recently, I have had the urge to do simple exercises everyday; and
• The Brain has always advised me against all exercise in favour of staying in bed!    

Am I in touch with my inner Pinky, with my alter-ego, with the Ari that has been shielded from succumbing to PD because I am not on medication? Or is this a fake sense of well-being before I progress to another phase of being parkinsed? 

I will start weaning myself off the weekly laser treatment at the end of October and attend fortnightly therapy sessions. Stay tuned, dear reader.  

(15) PD-2020, Covid-19 and triggers

(August Silence. We have moved permanently to retire in KZN and as our Gauteng house is for sale we needed to do a final clearance. So, we drove back to Gauteng in the middle of a warm August spell so the days were pleasant. I've recovered from the drive so now I can continue with the Parkinson's Disease saga. Also, since 07 September,  I have resumed my weekly laser therapy.) 

PD and Covid-19

The impact of the Covid-19 epidemic in South Africa and lockdown resulted in a tense time for the aged, especially those with co-morbidities. For the past five years my wife and I have avoided taking an annual flu vaccine, in an attempt to bolster our immune systems. However, this year, hype and unpredictability around the nature of coronavirus led to our taking both the flu and the pneumonia vaccines. That was my primary reason for taking the vaccines and, so far, so good.

Besides my age, another reason for considering these two vaccines is my preoccupation with triggers and PD. These triggers exist in both my "muscle memory" as well as my "muscle forgetory" (see earlier post) and lead to reactions that I have to counter or minimise. Triggers often lead to a physical manifestation resulting in tremors, leaden limbs, anxiety setting off excessive perspiration or even shortness of breath, the latter being a manifestation I have noted for the past ten years. So, recent bouts of shortness of breath (specifically during the past two months) have made me wonder if I had picked up the virus. But then I had to remind myself of similar instances of 'shortness of breath' predating the epidemic...

Rooted or booted

The picture below was taken in 2019 in Riebeek Kasteel, Western Cape. The tree's visible roots are vital to the tree's existence and are not superficial, like warts that are often just excess skin that may be removed. I have shared this picture to illustrate the presence of Parkinson's Disease (PD). If I am the tree, then my PD is similar to this tree's root systems. It has invisible, underground roots that have infiltrated and now commandeer the engine room of my nerve and muscle infrastructure. It also has roots above ground that represent visible manifestations, such as my tremors, leaden limbs and awkward gait.

I will attempt to sustain this analogy rather than leaf it alone 😏. My triggers exist within the equivalent of the tree's original, underground root system and, therefore, exist in my memory as past trauma or unpleasantness. Allow me to unpack this. Whenever it is cold I shiver but the shivers become tremors which I have referred to as "trevers" in an earlier post. Nowadays, when it is a little cool in an air-conditioned  mall and I am away from my house without a jersey, then I respond by believing it's going to get colder. Partial discomfort and low stress is triggered. I have to remind myself that I am okay, that all is well and that I do not need the jersey.

Another example of a trigger indoors is having my walking path blocked by dark coloured objects, such as a pile of socks or plastic bags on the floor. I have the uncomfortable feeling that such objects - although insignificant in size - are going to make me trip and fall. These are insignificant images in my peripheral vision but prompt low levels of irritation that develop anxiety in me. The triggers are becoming more prominent in my daily life as is my constant reflection. 

The laser treatment that I have been undergoing since May 2020 is an attempt to energise my body's internal communication system and remind it of my pre-dopamine depletion period. That would be the equivalent of kickstarting processes driven by the tree's original, underground root system before creating the need for the aboveground roots. 

Whither laser therapy

In order to reinforce the therapy and to reverse my "new normal" described earlier, I have had to to constantly speak to my barely existent movements so they are reminded to respond. I believe my brain has been kickstarted but because of my physical unfitness, there is a lot I have to do in order to allow body and mind to talk to each other. Based on a reminder from my brother (thanks, S!), I have started online Tai Chi again. The dialogue absent between body and mind during the dark days of PD and pre-laser therapy, needs to be regenerated. 

An example of such regeneration would be the "corrective messaging" described in an earlier post. When walking, I would have to remind my right heel to move before my toes so that my right foot stops dragging on the floor. The silent reminder, if you remember, would be "right-heel two-three toe-two-three, left-heel two-three toe-two-three".

I have just completed my 17th session of laser therapy and there are growing glimmers of hope. It's up to me to fight the good fight...till next time. 

 

   

Covid19 safety and vaccines

Will power and "ME" (Ari vs Intruder)